Beginnings...fresh marriage with a sweet fresh baby, setting up a home in the stretches of Ethioipa

Beginnings...fresh marriage with a sweet fresh baby, setting up a home in the stretches of Ethioipa

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

The Climax of Christmas


I was just thinking about Christmas as a kid: life after Christmas is unbelievably depressing because you've been waiting for the great big day, and then the day comes, and then its over. And for a few days you are stuck looking at the Christmas tree and Christmas lights, and all of a sudden it is very stale and the anticipation is over.

Well, this year, I am leaving for Africa three days after Christmas. Little different ring to that, I guess. The climax doesn't end, actually it sort of intensifies as I get ready to leave my own culture again.

And why, now, am I leaving my home and going to Africa for a month? Because I believe that this holiday represents something real to celebrate- that God came and wandered among humanity to offer us the cure to our sin disease. And maybe there are some people in Ethiopia who don't know that- don't know that Christmas is worth celebrating because of that.

So tonight while we sang "O Come Let Us Adore Him" at church I had this overwhelming sense of relief. Not the end of the climax, His birth was just the beginning. The beginning of putting everything right, of His ultimate rule that will never end. We have pain and dissonance in lots of places in our lives- I see it in our own family sometimes- but He came, and I thought to myself... its ok. Everything is going to be ok, no matter what happens, it will be ok. Because You came. You really came to set us right.

I hope my heart is preparing room for Him tonight.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

I am getting ready to travel. I remember the way I felt coming back through the international terminal in San Fransico on my way to Israel last year- like coming back to life after living here. I think I do feel generally better and more alive outside the States- maybe that is because I am usually having more fun. I keep picturing the rooftop of the Jerusalem hotel, with me sitting up there at 6:30 or 7 in the morning- jet lag working for me- and reading my Bible, watching the sunlight hitting all the old buildings, and feeling crisp balmy summer air that I just don't ever feel here in California!

My trip still needs prayer, and some work. My job tonight is to get a handle on what, if anything, is missing from my wardrobe for the trip, and my job tomorrow is to get one box- Brian's stuff- all packed.

And is Christmas really less than a week away??

Monday, December 10, 2007

Funny, these wandering times. I cannot read very much I wrote since the time I first left for Ethiopia without crying. It is all that heart-wrestling and change and growing. I feel so much better this year than last Christmas, but I know my wanderings are not over, will we ever feel settled here?

I used to like using David's life as a model- all the years he spent on the run, hiding next to springs like En Gedi and crying out to God for help. I still like his example, but I decided in church yesterday I had changed my mind a little. David's model ended with David getting everything- after all the wandering, he got power, money, love, what else could you want? I don't want to be wandering just so I hope to get everything in the end.

John the Baptist, on the other hand. He wandered. He lived in the same Judean wilderness David hid out in. He was spiritual, looking ahead to spiritual comings.

And in the end, he was jailed, and then his head was cut off. No money or power or love in the end, just martyrdom for proclaiming God's truth.

So, God can do whatever He chooses with my wandering. He doesn't have to promise me anything. I can rest in Him as my Potter.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

I'm getting generally depressed looking at flight prices to get out to Ethiopia in January. I hope I can make it work without stopping in Amsterdam, Munich, AND Khartoom and paying $5,000!!

Plus working out my schedule seems nuts. How long do I stay in Langano? How much "looking around time" do I need, and how much free time in Addis will I want? Sure hope to make good use of the time I spend over there... and make it across the way to Uganda, too!

Friday, November 16, 2007

SIMCO

Why do I feel the need to write only when I am away? Actually I am feeling nice and reflective this week being out in North Carolina, at SIM Candidate Orientation (again). This session is for the long-termers.

All these people out here are intertwined with lots of other people that I know- you just start to get connected to the mission world, I guess. I saw Obed and Juanita Cruz this week, wow, their little boy Christian is so cute, great to see them.

I remember he taught us the song, "somos el pueblo de dios" at our first Candidate Orientation when I was getting ready to go to Ethiopia the first time.

Gee, am I ready to go? Very hard to know. I feel better this week than ever, yet. Being among all these "witnesses" helps give me the momentum to go. Mostly, actually, I can't wait.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

The Holy Man

A trapped bird
A wrecked ship
An empty cup
A withered tree
Is he
Who scorns the will of the King above.

Pure gold
Bright sun
Filled wine-cup
Happy beautiful holy
Is he
Who does the will of the King of love.

-Brendan Kennelly

No matter what my station, Lord, let it be following the King of love.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Napa


We went to Napa last weekend through San Fransisco, I've never actually been to Napa besides maybe driving through. It was so sunny and green and gorgeous that I'd like to go back and do it justice.

Now I am in the throes of looking for a place to move into somewhere around here, and figuring out whether or not to make a trip back to Ethiopia in May. Decisions like this make me feel just plain tired, I don't know why. I like the continuity of going back to Ethiopia- maybe it will feel like I am still living that life!

Sunday, March 04, 2007

There is no Wine

I really like Sundays. Meditative, sort of a marker of time as it goes by, a stillness, especially the afternoon. Our culture in this house always involves some alone time in the afternoon.

I am sitting here with my Almond Latte and the gospel of John, letting myself be amazed at Jesus. Of all things, of all ways to use your Divinity, responding to your mom's little passive agressive comment, "There is no wine." Like He responds, why are you telling me that? And then, lots of wine, and the best wine there is. He is so deep and how will we understand that? Maybe Michael Card is right to say, "He has made them wine because He is longing for a wedding that's yet to come."

Probably the most powerful verse for me in the book of John is at the end, when Jesus answers Peter's question about John's future and says, "If I want him to remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow me." A personal call, a challenge not to be compared with the destiny of others. Doesn't matter what else is going on, you follow me.

Monday, February 19, 2007


Nothing like a good cup of coffee to make work actually happen for me. I got a lot done this afternoon and earned myself a nice run.

I am noticing the nature of human beings to recoil from pain and suffering- that includes hearing about what other people experience. Reading stories about street orphans in Rwanda is appalling, and makes me want to... stop reading. That is what all of us as comfortable Americans are plagued with. How do we push through that? It is so hard, especially if we feel the natural combination of self centerdness and helplessness to change. I must pray that I will understand the issues better and that we as a Body can promote change and healing for so many overwhelming needs.

There were situations and people in Awanno that I could hardly think about because I couldn't change them.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

sunny flower garden


I listened to a sermon by Jonathan Edwards on The Way of Holiness on a free sermon website today. I sat in the backyard in the beautiful sunny garden insulated from the ever changing world, and likened God and His holiness to that sanctuary. He is steady, unaffected, holy, like a pure, rich note of music that doesn't change... undisturbed.

Isn't skill in writing closely related to skill in thinking? You don't write unless you have something to say, right? (Maybe not, these days!!) Being forced to write on a blank page is like an exercise in thinking or a little window into the brain- maybe there's nothing in there today!!

Good writing: maybe a new thought that readers enjoy because noone has thought of it yet. Or maybe just describing life as we see it, but putting words on what we all feel but only a few of us can turn into words. Connecting the dots, sortof, in our lives and pointing out the ironies it holds.

Le Boulanger in Los Gatos offers free wireless access, so we are tucked in the corner on the couch. I am preparing for my travel health presentation, trying to educate myself on- hey, how do you remove ticks? And how strong should my sunscreen be, and plus, what is the SPF an indicator of, anyways? How should I treat hives after a bee sting? Its funny all the antecdotal stories I am thinking of- examples of life here and overseas that I have seen.

Kristine got a tick once, and for all my "nursing knowledge" I had no idea what the method of choice was to remove it. Aren't you supposed to burn it or something? Something about vasoline??? Also remembered the time at Dinky Lakes, years ago, when we all got out to backpack and found the mosquitos SWARMING. We all grabbed for the DEET repellent but felt guilty, wondering, doesn't that cause cancer or something??

Monday, February 12, 2007


Talked to David last night who said he was thinking of coming home for spring break- we talked about heading up to Napa or something fun like that over the weekend, lets try all the youth hostels in California!! Here is me looking thoughtful next to a lake- up at Yosemite I think- couldn't help searching myself on his free imagebase.

How did I end up taking a long nap this afternoon? Not sure. Probably "gastric overdistention" from my big lunch with Kathy, that was fun to catch up with her.

I may have to get out of the house to get my work done- in two weeks time I am presenting a "travel health" seminar about keeping teams healthy in missions... How am I going to fill an hour? The Center for Disease Control is great for that.

So, on to run maybe, or keep reading grant proposals. The situation in Zimbabwe does sound pretty bad.

Sunday, February 11, 2007


We had a great time on Friday eating Ethiopian food and drinking coffee with cardamon (in real Ethiopian cups) all together. It was fun fitting it in before Kristine has her baby, funny to reminisce together seeing as I haven't seen Jeff in a long time and we can laugh at all the weird stuff that we laughed about out there, and it was nice realizing so many of the same people know us well and were really supportive. The leftover injera was good yesterday, but definitely gone today!! I ate some and didnt' enjoy it. Too bad we have so much wot left over- I should buy some injera from the store on Bascom.

The River today was sweet. I've never been before but found it refreshing this morning- also encouraged by what felt like a few moments of clear thinking. I don't have to be on the night shift forever, I will be normal one day. I don't have to leave completely, maybe I can just go per diem at some point. Maybe I can go per diem, travel, then stay per diem and get a normal day job after that and learn some other part of nursing. That was a relief to think about. And I decided, somehow, to put some consecrated time into prayer for the year.

There is so much traveling that could happen, a trip to Ethiopia in May with Jennifer could end up being perfect, God can do that no problem. And then, Israel, Phillipines, Toulouse, New Zealand, back to Africa, Afghanistan, who knows, all of the above? So, maybe 20 minutes a day for 2 weeks? A three day period of intense seeking? I've got some emails to send, for starters.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Traveling, or moving out, or wishful thinking.

Sick. I called in for two nights now, just can't bring myself into work with a drippy nose, not in a place where you are handling brand new babies and in such proximity with your patients. Maybe at a desk job...

I heard from Ramonda today, it was good to hear from people in Ethiopia. Jen is putting her trip together for the spring and wondering if I can come along, and should I try and make that work? I requested some time off in May and got it! Surprise, surprise... Thought about trying to tag along with David on his study trip to Israel, but if the details fell into place to make it back to Awanno, I don't think I could say no. The tricky part is not getting to Ethiopia, but making sure I could make it back to Awanno. It has to be carefully planned, because now the white people are only commuting in periodically, so I would coordinate with them. Just looked at pictures of the greenery again (in preparation for our Ethiopian dinner evening this Friday night) and wished I could hold it all in my heart.

I am still poking around on Craig's List wishing for the right place to move in to. The reality is I am not settling, so that makes me very indecisive. I am not thriving here in this house, but I don't want to be rash, or end up settling. I'll just keep looking slowly.

There was a man sharing about his work with InterVarsity overseas sharing at a little forum at Julie's house the other night, and I went and heard him. Suprise, he presented in French and Kurt translated! It was like tasting something delicious you've been missing, to hear him speak French, then hear English right after to clarify what I didn't understand. Beautiful, French-sounding French. Makes me feel like I am traveling, and somewhere exciting!

Finished Lewis' book and now poking through a couple poetry books and another one on Ethiopia. Secular poetry can feel very dark at times, like it is not the last thing you want to read before you go to sleep. The Rime of the Ancient Mariner was interesting, rhythmic, and in some ways, dark.

Monday, January 29, 2007

Touching the Soul


It is not what I expect to move me that does. We are imaginitive creatures, I guess, and we have little pieces of eternity inside us even though our minds- really our whole persons- are really too small for such greatness. The logical things that should appeal to our minds seem to bounce off- why doesn't Colossians 3 stick, and why doesn't Luke 22 always move me to tears?

But what about Reepacheep's walnut boat? The water that becomes sweet near the end of the world? The rising hills of Aslan's country?

My life in Awanno touched the same note as Reepacheep's boat. Like C.S. Lewis said, it is longing for a longing. Stretching, desperate to have something, but you don't even know what, something over those mountains, between here and the sunset. The layer of hills catching the sunlight setting over the Quicksilver dam.... U2's "City of Blinding Lights"... The quiet, muted feeling on a Sunday afternoon after hearing some moving talk about world missions at church...

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Taste and see

I read I Peter this morning. Chapter 2 verses 2-3 read, "Like newborn infants, long for the pure spiritual milk, that by it you may grow up to salvation- if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is good." The phrase at the end called out to me glaringly- have you tasted that the Lord is good? Do you experience a good God? What about unanswered prayer, and always needing direction? Reminds me of Psalm 34:8, "O taste and see that the Lord is good."

Have I tasted that the Lord is good? I'm not thinking about old stuff, I mean new tastes. What about in 2007, is the flavor of a good God fresh on my tongue? Or have I grown dull of palate and unable to experience His goodness? When I thought about real experiences of His goodness, I thought of my new (2007) list of prayer requests- inspired by a sermon I heard on "ask-seek-knock," and the undimmed faith and hope in my heart that God is good. He will answer me when I call and bring resolution to all the little situations in my life that are still dangling unanswered.

He is giving me faith instead of answering all my prayers the way and timing I want them answered. That is better. I want to work out that faith, and grow up to my salvation in my God that gives me the best.

Monday, January 22, 2007

Cleaning house

Today is a normal day. Up at 8 in the morning, coffee and cereal before getting out the door at 9. That is much closer to the way most people live. Not sleeping all day, not leaving for work at 6:30 in the evening as the sun goes down.

I get to be normal until Wednesday night.

This morning I went and helped Joyce clean house in Willow Glen. They are moving out and leaving tomorrow for Central Asia again, so fun to spend the day with them, sit at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee just chatting for a while before working.

The house is old and sunny and quaint- probably built 50 years ago but still looking good inside. It has a perfect little breakfast nook, sunny office corner, spacious backyard and cute pointy look from the front. It felt nostalgic to clean cobwebs with Joyce playing 50's music in the background and dusting off the board games.

I told them how I was feeling at home- wanting to get out. I said I feel like dead weight around here. That is the perfect expression. I am not dead weight everywhere; I am dead weight here. Very low energy for family-like productive activities that everyone else seems to be enthusiastic about.

Oh, well. I washed Joyce's dishes. That felt good.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

New Year


Wondering what this year will hold for me- probably the first time in a few years where it wasn't obvious. I am ready to travel!! How do I make all my potential destinations fit into this year and still have a job at the end of the year???

Awanno is sad. All those people I knew so well, the trails I walked so many times, and things are changing. The Ethiopian staff left secretly, and there are no white people their either, for now. The tensions have risen- is it racial? or religious? and it makes sense that if the Ethiopian staff feels unsafe, and if the community cannot offer protection and safety, maybe we can't stay.

But I love Awanno so much, and I don't feel alive here like I felt there. (Not that I won't ever feel alive here, I just miss it!) Here is the entrance to our compound with our cute little guardhouse and Zenu guarding- hard to believe his name has come up in security breaches... I always wish I was getting the full story myself, holding a cup of coffee and listening to their Oromo, instead of getting the story 5th hand from an email sent by someone who doesn't know the characters involved.

Abba Milki

Was it only a year ago that Abba Milki died, and I visited his family so much?? Almost exactly a year.

It was January, and I was just back from Christmas at home in San Jose. Abba Milki Abba Ware, Hada Moaba’s husband, had been sick before I left. I asked how he was- I think I asked Tigain who we had picked up in Saja. I remember that meal, actually, Sandy, her mom, Amira and I stopped in Saja on the way in to pick up Tigain. Sandy had been gone for 7 months, so his wife of course fixed us a meal. It was so fun introducing Amira to Ethiopian, not an Ethiopian restaurant that caters to white people, but real deal Ethiopian meal with an Ethiopian family. We had some sort of really good injera meal, with coffee afterwards. So as we drove in, I asked about everything I could remember to ask about- I always wanted to be tapped into the village happenings, wanted to hear the “word on the street.” So the word was the Abba Milki was still sick. I was surprised that he was still sick- I expected that he would either be better, or that he would have died.


So I knew I had to direct my steps to his house. I know his wife well, and had been over there plenty of times. Amira and I went, and found ourselves back behind the bamboo screen, in the dark, fumbling for our low stools. Hada Moaba was sitting next to him, and he looked gaunt and wasted in the dim firelight. He was lying down, responsive but barely. I don’t remember what we talked about. But it was real, real illness, real lines of stress on her face, real sense of despair and death in his voice. His brother Kasim was there, and Kasim was friendly to me, explaining that Abba Milki couldn’t eat much anymore.


Have I written about my last visit before? I decided to take watermelon over. I went looking for him to find him at Abba Raya’s house, next door. The mood was so solemn. I sat down on a stool, but noticed they had strung a blanket across the dividing area- where the tarp/grass/prayer/no-shoes area usually starts. There was, I think, one or two other people sitting out on the stools, but a relative or someone I knew came out from behind the blanket, and I could see that Abba Milki was back there, with his brothers and wife sitting around him on the floor. After a few minutes, they pulled back the blanket and asked me to come sit with them as they sat around Abba Milki- unconscious, clearly he was near death.


Did they feel like they had to? Was it a part of obligatory hospitality? I don’t know. I don’t think so. I felt like they were letting me into their lives- their lives that were full of grief now. He was so still. Kasim kept putting his hand on Abba Milki’s stomach; they all knew he was near death. It was beyond watermelon. Kasim tried and said his tongue refused. I just sat there. I had asked to pray for him the previous visit, but didn’t feel the need to do anything like that- before, they had agreed to let me pray but it made them uncomfortable. Today, I just wanted to be there. I just sat there- there was very little conversation between them, or to me, and I wanted it that way. I am not here to be entertained or treated as a guest. I am just here, with you.

Finally I left. He died that night, and I felt like I came close to them- I got to be a part of that piece of their lives.


Here I am with Hada Moaba, Abba Milki's widow, just before I left for good. She grabbed my hand and arm and insisted on making me her own coffee, wouldn't accept an invitation to my house instead. I hope someday she understands why I lived in her village....